This is the most complete list of Chuck Norris Facts on the Internet


Section 4: Art & Literature



1. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

2. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
3. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

4. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
5. Chuck Norris can speak Braille

6. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
7. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.

8. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
9. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

10. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
11. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

12. Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. What? Got a question? Ask Chuck
13. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

14. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
15. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

16. Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the spelling.
The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

17. Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
18. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

19. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
20. Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth

Follow up:

21. Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

22. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't Fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
23. Chuck said: ‘Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.’ This is the most profound statement ever made.

24. Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
25. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

26. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
27. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

28. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
29. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

30. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
31. If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

32. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
33. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
34. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

35. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
36. The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

37. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
38. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

39. The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
40. The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words include 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

41. There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
42. There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

43. They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
44. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

45. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
46. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

47. Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
48. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

49. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
50. Who knows what evil lies in the hearts of men? The shadow knows. But only because Chuck Norris told him.

51. Chuck Norris invented the word "fabulous" just so he could kill anyone who uses it.
52. Chuck Norris is Grendel's mother's mother.

53. Chuck Norris once read that if a Leprechaun is captured it is obligated to give its captor the pot of gold that it keeps hidden at the end of a rainbow. Within a half hour Chuck Norris had a basement full of Leprechauns and more gold then Mr. T.
54. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a helpless baby in the head, but unfortunately it magically backfired, nearly killing him. Years later, a woman named J.K. Rowling heard of this story and turned it into the successful Harry Potter series. Last week, Chuck Norris shot her in the vagina and ate her children. He also found that baby, and threw it off a cliff.

55. Chuck Norris once said, "A strong man can fight, but a real man will end a fight; I am that real man," to a retarded child.
56. Chuck Norris recently bought Pandora's Box on eBay.

57. Chuck Norris thought he was wrong once, but he was mistaken.
58. Chuck Norris was once the judge at an interpretive dance competition. He found them guilty.

59. Google.com receives 300 million hits a day. Chuck Norris can deliver that many hits in less than a second.
60. The Vitruvian Man is actually the earliest known drawing of Chuck Norris. Da Vinci thought his four headed penis was unbelievable, so he changed it to four extra limbs. Authorities at the time were unable to explain the penis shaped stab holes that killed him.


Plenty more Chuck in these other sections:


Section 1: Chuck & Geography/Places - 44 Entries


Section 2: Chuck & History - 47 Entries


Section 3: Chuck & Entertainment - 115 Entries


Section 5: Chuck & Science and Nature - 135 Entries


Section 6: Chuck & Sports and Leisure - 74 Entries


Section 7: Chuck & Religion - 35 Entries


Section 8: Chuck & Sex - 70 Entries


Section 9: Chuck & Bodily Functions - 100 Entries


Section 10: Chuck & Finance - 15 Entries


Section 11: Chuck & Education - 17 Entries


Section 12: Chuck & Food and Drink - 79 Entries


Section 13: Chuck; Just Killin' - 57 Entries


Got any new ones?