The most comprehensive list of Chuck Norris Facts on the internet


Section 7: Religion



1. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

2. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t like being famous, which is why he’s called Adam in the bible.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

6. Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ. Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

10. Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone
11. God didn't impregnate the Virgin Mary... Chuck Norris did.

12. God wanted 10 days to create the earth. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
13. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

14. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
15. It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

16. It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
17. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

18. Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
19. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

20. One day Chuck Norris was in fact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed

Follow up:

21. The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

22. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
23. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

24. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
25. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

26. Chuck Norris can grant wishes, as long as you wish for roundhouse kicks to the face or a Total Gym.
27. Chuck Norris can reverse the flow of time by performing a roundhouse kick backwards.

28. Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
29. Chuck Norris is not, in fact, the reincarnation of Jesus. His beard, on the other hand, is.

30. God actually took eight days to create Heaven, Earth and the universe. Chuck Norris just thought the name Lufday was stupid.
31. It has been said that using only a shoelace, three coconuts and a wedge of cheese, Chuck Norris can bring forth the apocalypse.

32. It is written that the Apocalypse Age would be ushered in by four horsemen: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris.
33. Jesus saves....but Chuck Norris saved Jesus.

34. On the eighth day, God said, "Let there be Chuck Norris.", but put him into cryogenic sleep after he roundhouse kicked the first twelve Adams to death.
35. Chuck Norris took 3 of every animal on his ark. Then he called Noah a pussy and roundhouse kicked all 3 Minotaurs.


Plenty more Chuck in these other sections:


Section 1: Chuck & Geography/Places - 44 Entries


Section 2: Chuck & History - 47 Entries


Section 3: Chuck & Entertainment - 115 Entries


Section 4: Chuck & Art and Literature - 60 Entries


Section 5: Chuck & Science and Nature - 135 Entries


Section 6: Chuck & Sports and Leisure - 74 Entries


Section 8: Chuck & Sex - 70 Entries


Section 9: Chuck & Bodily Functions - 100 Entries


Section 10: Chuck & Finance - 15 Entries


Section 11: Chuck & Education - 17 Entries


Section 12: Chuck & Food and Drink - 79 Entries


Section 13: Chuck; Just Killin' - 57 Entries


Got any new ones?