The most comprehensive list of Chuck Norris Facts on the Internet


Section 9: Bodily Functions





1. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
2. After a week long battle with strep throat, Chuck Norris was so fed up with the situation that he roundhouse kicked his own tonsils out of his body. Chuck never fell ill again because no virus wanted to "Fuck with Chuck".

3. Chuck Norris' beard and nail clippings are considered hazardous to mere humans and are stored in casks usually reserved for atomic waste. Since the atomic waste feels inferior to the power of the "Norris Waste", it is kept at a separate, and less guarded, facility at an undisclosed location.
4. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

5. Chuck Norris can hammer a nail with one blow, without a hammer.
6. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

7. Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
8. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

9. Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.
10. Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

11. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
12. Chuck Norris can taste lies.

13. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
14. Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his urine.

15. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
16. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

17. Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
18. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

19. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
20. Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor; he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.

Follow up:

21. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.
22. Chuck Norris doesn’t have to brush his teeth; they know better than to get dirty

23. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris doesn’t think sharing is caring.

25. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
26. Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

27. Chuck Norris doesn't need to use toilet paper because shit is too scared to stick to his ass.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't shit, he excretes mini anti-aircraft missiles.

29. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
30. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

31. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".
32. Chuck Norris found four dingle-berries hanging off his butt. He trimmed them with nail clippers and they grew into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

33. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
34. Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat shit into gasoline.

Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
35. Chuck Norris has never owned a single piece of footwear. Instead, his feet morph into the following forms: cowboy boots, jungle boots, iron feet, and penis.

36. Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
37. Chuck Norris' mirror does not tell him how good he looks. It does, however, tell him which people do have such a mirror so Chuck can roundhouse kick them to death, for no one deserves to look better than Mr. Norris.

38. Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain, lots and lots of pain.
39. Chuck Norris never takes his boots off, and one Thanksgiving roundhouse kicked his grandmother's dentures out for asking him to do so. When asked why, a steely-eyed Chuck answered, "No boots, no Chuck," before vanishing in a flurry of spin kicks and snapping teeth.

40. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
41. Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

42. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack! His heart lost!
43. Chuck Norris once met a man who cried because he had no shoes after which he ripped the man's feet off and said, "Bare feet don't sound so bad now does it pussy?"

44. Chuck Norris once performed an abortion by ramming his fist into a lady's stomach, pulling out the fetus, and biting its head off.
45. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

46. Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
47. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

48. Chuck Norris once took a nap during the day, that's when he invented the eclipse
49. Chuck Norris pees sitting down. This is because Chuck is so well-endowed he has to throw his penis over his shoulder and urinate behind his own ass.

50. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
51. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

52. Chuck Norris sets off motion detectors without moving.
53. Chuck Norris shaves every night before going to bed. He has a 5 o'clock shadow before he falls asleep and a full beard when he wakes up. If anyone sees him in this beardless state, something bad happens. We don't know what though, because no one has ever lived to tell.

54. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
55. Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

56. Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of Visine.
57. Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.

58. Chuck Norris was once taking a dump in a public bathroom in New York, and at one point, the man in the next stall made a comment about the horrible stench of Chuck's feces. Norris proceeded to release a bout of flatulence that incinerated the poor fool shitting next to him, and then recounted his story to a scientist friend of his, who did some further research. The basis for the atom bomb was discovered, and the research was called "the Manhattan Project", named for the place where Chuck Norris released his radioactive fart. Japan would never be the same.
59. Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

60. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
61. Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

62. Chuck Norris wipes with 40 grit sand paper.
63. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483

64. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
65. Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

66. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
67. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

68. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
69. If you shout his name out your window, Chuck Norris will hear you.

70. In order to wake up in the morning, Chuck Norris had to make his own alarm clock. It is made of 3 pieces of paper, a paper clip, one dozen shotgun shells, and MacGyver.
71. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

72. Jimmy Hoffa is alive and well in Chuck Norris' large intestine but refuses to say "uncle".
73. Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

74. Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
75. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

76. Once, Chuck Norris sneezed so hard that he created the leap year.
77. Once, someone tried to take Chuck Norris by the hand. Chuck Norris took that person by the soul

78. Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
79. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

80. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
81. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

82. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
83. The only bath Chuck Norris has taken, is a blood bath

84. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
85. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

86. The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
87. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

88. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
89. There was going to be a special edition Chuck Norris toilet paper, but Chuck doesn't take crap from anybody.

90. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
91. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
92. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

93. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
94. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

95. When Chuck Norris shits, it causes mud slides in Mexico.
96. When Chuck Norris uses a Port-a-John, not only does he fill the tank, he flushes when he is done.

97. When he was 4, a man attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug. Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of the man. Chuck Norris' father was confined to a wheelchair from that day on.
98. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
99. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

100. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.


Plenty more Chuck in these other sections:


Section 1: Chuck & Geography/Places - 44 Entries


Section 2: Chuck & History - 47 Entries


Section 3: Chuck & Entertainment - 115 Entries


Section 4: Chuck & Art and Literature - 60 Entries


Section 5: Chuck & Science and Nature - 135 Entries


Section 6: Chuck & Sports and Leisure - 74 Entries


Section 7: Chuck & Religion - 35 Entries


Section 8: Chuck & Sex - 70 Entries


Section 10: Chuck & Finance - 15 Entries


Section 11: Chuck & Education - 17 Entries


Section 12: Chuck & Food and Drink - 79 Entries


Section 13: Chuck; Just Killin' - 57 Entries


Got any new ones?